This is so dense and full of good questions — your handwritten list and honest musings made me think of my own. I really resonated with the story about the woman who lost her home in the flood in Texas, and that the "worst" was all the days after. It was the lack of help, etc. For me, it has always been the many days after and the lack of accompaniment. There is a demarcation day — the event itself — but as Gabor Mate and others remind us, trauma isn't what happens to you; it's what happens inside you. And what happens inside is so often shaped by who is there afterward and the attunement (how they are "there"). The ACEs (adverse childhood events) research shows this clearly: the same event registers very differently depending on whether you are accompanied through it or left to carry it alone. The long unaccompanied stretch. That's the part that's been the hardest in my own history of worst days— and the part our culture seems to talk about least.
It's so fascinating that the part of this you identified with the most was the woman, and the loneliness and fear and desperation she experienced AFTER the event. In most of the events on my list, it was that, the after, that felt way harder and left way more scars than the event itself. And, I think that's what got me going on the in between, the space between those moments.
I agree that being accompanied (what a lovely turn of phrase as well) through the worst days changes how they sit in you, whether you actively seek the companionship or not. In my own traumatic events, I drop into myself. My closest people know to just keep banging on the door because I will open it for them, but otherwise, I collapse into myself, which is neither healthy nor productive. Having those around you who know how to help carry the load is invaluable.
Is this really a college essay question? I think I understand the intent since I used to recruit as part of various corporate roles I held in the past. As a recruiter, my follow-up question would veer away from the topic of defining oneself (can we ever be defined?!) and lean into what was learned from the experience. And even better, how that learning was applied in a subsequent situation. I would be curious about a candidate's resilience and growth.
To answer the question you posed, there are several worst days I could write about. I worked my way through each of them with the support of my friends, who are my true family, and sometimes professional guidance. And I got stronger, and more resilient. I worked through the hurt, disappointment, anger - and found peace. I do not feel that any of that offers a definition of who I am.
I loved what you shared about your worst day and all the related worsts that continued to appear day after day. It's a significant amount of pain, fear, uncertainty to have to deal with and live with. To me, your example shows your incredible capacity to move through change, no matter how devastating that change is, and to influence the course of its direction. That is an incredible talent, Jess, though it is not a definition of who you are. You defy definition - as do we all. 💕💖💕
Thank you, Cathy, for always seeing the best side of who I am in my writing.
I understand what you're saying, and certainly, as I mentioned at the beginning of the piece, these questions are hard because they expose where the work is. You are someone who has most certainly done the work to interrogate your worst days, take the lessons that you value and leave the rest, and achieve peace. That's such a beautiful approach and one I aspire to.
I don't know, however, that all of us get to side step BEING defined (not necessarily self-defining) by our worst days. I was just listening to a podcast with Lindsay Vonn, and, serendipitously, she said, "I don't want my legacy to be defined by 13 seconds." She is, of course, referring to her Olympic-ending accident where she almost lost her leg. She may be able to integrate that accident into who Lindsay Vonn is, but she's not fully in control of the way the rest of the world defines her. And, at least to some degree, that matters to her.
I think these are the kinds of questions upon questions I ran into as I explored this topic. Is self definition the only thing that matters? Can we ever define a person? Do we need to? What if our worst day is a secret and we don't have the help and support to do that work? What if we don't want to or are scared to or can't escape how we're being defined as a result? The list just goes on and on. And instead of making me want to turn away or side step the icky parts, all of that just makes me want to dive in further.
Because I believe its a very human question. One we all struggle with, even if only temporarily.
And to ease your mind, no, these are not essay questions. The original comment was my student's response to something that happened in her own life that we were contemplating how or even if to include in her essay. And you would make a fantastic essay coach because pulling out her resilience, her ability to focus forward, and her ownership of all of herself is entirely the angle we decided on. ;)
Thank you for such a thoughtful response, Jess, and for adding so much here.
I agree that others will define us - which I interpret as "judge" us. We do that to ourselves, as well, and I am excellent at judging myself, my actions, my inactions. I could go on. (I am getting better. 😉) My biggest issue with the essay prompt was the word "define." To me, a definition is set in stone - whereas people are an ever-shifting "work of art" - or can be.
I love your questions of "can we ever define a person" and "do we need to" - I might have chosen to write an essay focused on exactly those questions. And if that did not give me admission to this college, just maybe that is not a place where I would be best suited to study.
I also love where you and the person you coached ended up on her essay. I am quite sure she came away feeling stronger in herself and her abilities under your guidance. I hope she gets in to wherever her heart is leading her.
This is so dense and full of good questions — your handwritten list and honest musings made me think of my own. I really resonated with the story about the woman who lost her home in the flood in Texas, and that the "worst" was all the days after. It was the lack of help, etc. For me, it has always been the many days after and the lack of accompaniment. There is a demarcation day — the event itself — but as Gabor Mate and others remind us, trauma isn't what happens to you; it's what happens inside you. And what happens inside is so often shaped by who is there afterward and the attunement (how they are "there"). The ACEs (adverse childhood events) research shows this clearly: the same event registers very differently depending on whether you are accompanied through it or left to carry it alone. The long unaccompanied stretch. That's the part that's been the hardest in my own history of worst days— and the part our culture seems to talk about least.
It's so fascinating that the part of this you identified with the most was the woman, and the loneliness and fear and desperation she experienced AFTER the event. In most of the events on my list, it was that, the after, that felt way harder and left way more scars than the event itself. And, I think that's what got me going on the in between, the space between those moments.
I agree that being accompanied (what a lovely turn of phrase as well) through the worst days changes how they sit in you, whether you actively seek the companionship or not. In my own traumatic events, I drop into myself. My closest people know to just keep banging on the door because I will open it for them, but otherwise, I collapse into myself, which is neither healthy nor productive. Having those around you who know how to help carry the load is invaluable.
Thank you for sharing.
Is this really a college essay question? I think I understand the intent since I used to recruit as part of various corporate roles I held in the past. As a recruiter, my follow-up question would veer away from the topic of defining oneself (can we ever be defined?!) and lean into what was learned from the experience. And even better, how that learning was applied in a subsequent situation. I would be curious about a candidate's resilience and growth.
To answer the question you posed, there are several worst days I could write about. I worked my way through each of them with the support of my friends, who are my true family, and sometimes professional guidance. And I got stronger, and more resilient. I worked through the hurt, disappointment, anger - and found peace. I do not feel that any of that offers a definition of who I am.
I loved what you shared about your worst day and all the related worsts that continued to appear day after day. It's a significant amount of pain, fear, uncertainty to have to deal with and live with. To me, your example shows your incredible capacity to move through change, no matter how devastating that change is, and to influence the course of its direction. That is an incredible talent, Jess, though it is not a definition of who you are. You defy definition - as do we all. 💕💖💕
Thank you, Cathy, for always seeing the best side of who I am in my writing.
I understand what you're saying, and certainly, as I mentioned at the beginning of the piece, these questions are hard because they expose where the work is. You are someone who has most certainly done the work to interrogate your worst days, take the lessons that you value and leave the rest, and achieve peace. That's such a beautiful approach and one I aspire to.
I don't know, however, that all of us get to side step BEING defined (not necessarily self-defining) by our worst days. I was just listening to a podcast with Lindsay Vonn, and, serendipitously, she said, "I don't want my legacy to be defined by 13 seconds." She is, of course, referring to her Olympic-ending accident where she almost lost her leg. She may be able to integrate that accident into who Lindsay Vonn is, but she's not fully in control of the way the rest of the world defines her. And, at least to some degree, that matters to her.
I think these are the kinds of questions upon questions I ran into as I explored this topic. Is self definition the only thing that matters? Can we ever define a person? Do we need to? What if our worst day is a secret and we don't have the help and support to do that work? What if we don't want to or are scared to or can't escape how we're being defined as a result? The list just goes on and on. And instead of making me want to turn away or side step the icky parts, all of that just makes me want to dive in further.
Because I believe its a very human question. One we all struggle with, even if only temporarily.
And to ease your mind, no, these are not essay questions. The original comment was my student's response to something that happened in her own life that we were contemplating how or even if to include in her essay. And you would make a fantastic essay coach because pulling out her resilience, her ability to focus forward, and her ownership of all of herself is entirely the angle we decided on. ;)
Thank you for such a thoughtful response, Jess, and for adding so much here.
I agree that others will define us - which I interpret as "judge" us. We do that to ourselves, as well, and I am excellent at judging myself, my actions, my inactions. I could go on. (I am getting better. 😉) My biggest issue with the essay prompt was the word "define." To me, a definition is set in stone - whereas people are an ever-shifting "work of art" - or can be.
I love your questions of "can we ever define a person" and "do we need to" - I might have chosen to write an essay focused on exactly those questions. And if that did not give me admission to this college, just maybe that is not a place where I would be best suited to study.
I also love where you and the person you coached ended up on her essay. I am quite sure she came away feeling stronger in herself and her abilities under your guidance. I hope she gets in to wherever her heart is leading her.