I continue to be in awe of the way you interact with your daughter, Jess. I especially loved your statement, "I met my daughter where she needed me to the most' - and yes you did!! It is something we can all aspire to with all those in our lives. Thank you for showing the way.
Thank you Cathy. 🧡 All I know how to do is keep trying. My deepest hope is that for all the times I failed, she’ll remember that I tried again at least that many times too.
As the daughter of a woman who either never tried to either deal with or understand her daughter’s high-level anxiety or let her be the person that she is, all that you are doing is amazing. My mom would have left me there - and it would have been so awful. It isn’t a way to learn to ‘deal with it’ -
I realize, too, that I was young like your daughter is now in a different era - these things were not addressed and were expected to ‘go away’ as one got older - but it doesn’t and it certainly didn’t give me any ability to cope with it better.
It is so difficult - I never know when it’s going to hit - and thankfully, it’s less often now. When it does, I know it’ll go away in a few hours and I just have to wing it for a little bit - but that isn’t something I really understood for a long time.
Kudos to you for acknowledging and loving her for who she is - it’s something that I am not sure my mom does to this day.
That breaks my heart a little both for you…and your Mom. I finally realized that I was missing the Charlie my daughter IS in an effort to make her the daughter I expected she be. And who she is is amazing. Kind, sensitive, funny, full of complicated emotions but with an endless capacity for empathy. I don’t know what I’m doing on this parenting journey, but I can see the evidence of what it does for my daughter when I not just let her be, but love her be. 🧡
Jess, you are doing motherhood the best way you can; you make the best choices that you can for your daughter. When I became a parent, that's when I realized that every child is an individual with certain needs, and parents have a zillion choices what they can do. How do we know we made the "right" choice? Perhaps our gut tells us.
You are right: getting a good night's sleep and having a good meal could be the difference between a child who can deal with something that day, or one that cannot. So many factors go into whether a child is anxious, and there are so many judgy parents and parent-wannabes who will judge a mom harshly for whatever she does in the best interests of the child.
My daughter is very intense, and she has had meltdowns and anxiety issues over schoolwork and homework. Like you, I am doing my very best. And I do get frustrated, but I try to give my daughter what she needs when she needs it. And sometimes I'm wrong. Or I feel like I'm wrong. And sometimes I think I get it right....but maybe I don't.
My pet peeve are these judgy parents. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. All we can do is try our best.
Thank you Beth. I leaned bet early on in parenthood to kill the judgy. All of us are just trying to survive at any given moment and are doing the best we possibly can. Sometimes, that feels like not enough but the last thing we need is someone else piling on top of our own self judgment. That voice in my head is loud enough.
I love this, as a late diagnosed AuDHD woman. I think you should be proud of yourself too. I’m wondering if reframing the fear versus bravery with trusting your daughter’s intuition would help the both of you? She may not have the vocabulary for it, but I expect she is reading the vibes of every room and situation she finds herself in. It’s likely that her empathy is overwhelming, and that being surrounded by others of mismatched neurotype is distressing.
I’d think you’re perfectly within your rights to ask for more details about the other camp attendees, for the sake of parental advocacy. That can help you set her up to succeed, and get her mentally prepared for what to anticipate ahead of time.
Social stories are awesome too. How neurodivergent-affirming are the services available to you? A little bit of training on their part can go a long way.
I really appreciate that reflection. I’m about as Neurotypical as they come, so I’ve entered a world that I am completely aware that I do not understand, but want desperately to value and support. And you’re right that I think both my daughter and I deserve a little more grace than I’m used to giving. I also love the empowerment of your suggestion that it is OK to ask questions that can help my daughter be more prepared in any given situation. I’m not used to that, and I need the reminder that advocating for her does not make me a problem to others.
You’re in no way a problem to others! If you don’t feel comfortable advocating for her then she will struggle to do so for herself. Think of it as modelling it to her, and remember it’s for her benefit. Otherwise she may face decades of masking her needs and not have the vocabulary to ask for help. So many of us have suffered and learnt the hard way. You’re doing great 😃
I continue to be in awe of the way you interact with your daughter, Jess. I especially loved your statement, "I met my daughter where she needed me to the most' - and yes you did!! It is something we can all aspire to with all those in our lives. Thank you for showing the way.
Thank you Cathy. 🧡 All I know how to do is keep trying. My deepest hope is that for all the times I failed, she’ll remember that I tried again at least that many times too.
As the daughter of a woman who either never tried to either deal with or understand her daughter’s high-level anxiety or let her be the person that she is, all that you are doing is amazing. My mom would have left me there - and it would have been so awful. It isn’t a way to learn to ‘deal with it’ -
I realize, too, that I was young like your daughter is now in a different era - these things were not addressed and were expected to ‘go away’ as one got older - but it doesn’t and it certainly didn’t give me any ability to cope with it better.
It is so difficult - I never know when it’s going to hit - and thankfully, it’s less often now. When it does, I know it’ll go away in a few hours and I just have to wing it for a little bit - but that isn’t something I really understood for a long time.
Kudos to you for acknowledging and loving her for who she is - it’s something that I am not sure my mom does to this day.
That breaks my heart a little both for you…and your Mom. I finally realized that I was missing the Charlie my daughter IS in an effort to make her the daughter I expected she be. And who she is is amazing. Kind, sensitive, funny, full of complicated emotions but with an endless capacity for empathy. I don’t know what I’m doing on this parenting journey, but I can see the evidence of what it does for my daughter when I not just let her be, but love her be. 🧡
Jess, you are doing motherhood the best way you can; you make the best choices that you can for your daughter. When I became a parent, that's when I realized that every child is an individual with certain needs, and parents have a zillion choices what they can do. How do we know we made the "right" choice? Perhaps our gut tells us.
You are right: getting a good night's sleep and having a good meal could be the difference between a child who can deal with something that day, or one that cannot. So many factors go into whether a child is anxious, and there are so many judgy parents and parent-wannabes who will judge a mom harshly for whatever she does in the best interests of the child.
My daughter is very intense, and she has had meltdowns and anxiety issues over schoolwork and homework. Like you, I am doing my very best. And I do get frustrated, but I try to give my daughter what she needs when she needs it. And sometimes I'm wrong. Or I feel like I'm wrong. And sometimes I think I get it right....but maybe I don't.
My pet peeve are these judgy parents. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. All we can do is try our best.
Thank you Beth. I leaned bet early on in parenthood to kill the judgy. All of us are just trying to survive at any given moment and are doing the best we possibly can. Sometimes, that feels like not enough but the last thing we need is someone else piling on top of our own self judgment. That voice in my head is loud enough.
I love this, as a late diagnosed AuDHD woman. I think you should be proud of yourself too. I’m wondering if reframing the fear versus bravery with trusting your daughter’s intuition would help the both of you? She may not have the vocabulary for it, but I expect she is reading the vibes of every room and situation she finds herself in. It’s likely that her empathy is overwhelming, and that being surrounded by others of mismatched neurotype is distressing.
I’d think you’re perfectly within your rights to ask for more details about the other camp attendees, for the sake of parental advocacy. That can help you set her up to succeed, and get her mentally prepared for what to anticipate ahead of time.
Social stories are awesome too. How neurodivergent-affirming are the services available to you? A little bit of training on their part can go a long way.
I really appreciate that reflection. I’m about as Neurotypical as they come, so I’ve entered a world that I am completely aware that I do not understand, but want desperately to value and support. And you’re right that I think both my daughter and I deserve a little more grace than I’m used to giving. I also love the empowerment of your suggestion that it is OK to ask questions that can help my daughter be more prepared in any given situation. I’m not used to that, and I need the reminder that advocating for her does not make me a problem to others.
You’re in no way a problem to others! If you don’t feel comfortable advocating for her then she will struggle to do so for herself. Think of it as modelling it to her, and remember it’s for her benefit. Otherwise she may face decades of masking her needs and not have the vocabulary to ask for help. So many of us have suffered and learnt the hard way. You’re doing great 😃
I sincerely appreciate both the reinforcement to keep going and the acknowledgement of the try. 🙏
Thank you, Nancy. Trust and peace really are my two greatest goals with her.